Coming Out As Lesbian

Your sexual orientation entirely depends on YOU! A person's sexual orientation can be anywhere on a continuum, from being exclusively attracted to the opposite sex, being bisexual to being exclusively attracted to the same sex. An (outdated but still widely used) example of the spectrum is illustrated by Alfred Kinsey's (1948).

With time your sexual orientation can bend and flip thus people can experience their sexuality and gender as being fluid. You may feel that yours changes at different points in your life. Some people fully identify with one label but may not feel that way anymore at a later time and even go back to that label. Only YOU get to define your sexual orientation. And, only YOU get to define your label.

Becoming aware that you fancy someone of the same sex may cause you emotional conflict such as worrying about not being hetty (heterosexual), confusion, anxiety, and denial of feelings particularly if you are living in a religious / traditional environment or where same sex relationships are illegal. This internal conflict can lead to "passing" (attempts to behave as hetty (heterosexual)) or being "in the closet" (keeping your identity to yourself). Do seek out information (safely) online or through reading, watching gay (non-porno!) movies or talk to your very close friends. It may be a phase or it may not - it entirely depends on YOU!

It is entirely up to YOU if you wish to come out. No one should force or pressure you to come out until you are ready. Nor should any one force you about how OUT you are.

If you are thinking of coming out to someone, understandably like soooo many others, you might be worried about:

• if it is illegal - check out Human Rights Watch's Anti-LGBT Laws By Country Profiles
• how they'll react
• whether they'll understand and support you
• if they'll tell anyone else
• that you might be discriminated against or bullied - see below

Moreover, there are many stages of coming out, for example:

• Coming Out to oneself - Coming out as being gay / bi is part of a journey of identity formation, self understanding, and self-acceptance. The coming out process begins with coming out to oneself about who you are as a sexual being. This may be a frightening process, especially if your sexual orientation is socially condemned, OR it may be an epiphany, liberation, or an affirmation of what has been apparent for a long time, or all of the above.
• Coming Out to close friends / siblings - hopefully they will show their support and affirmation they still love you as you are.
• Coming Out to parent(s) - Some will be lucky to have stellar parents as the tiktok compilation below heart warmingly shows. Some, however, may have less understanding parents. If you still live with your parents and depend on their financial support and are worried they may take it away, throw you out or be verbally abusive or violent toward you if you come out to them, seriously reconsider telling them. Nothing is more important than your personal safety and well being. Your friends will support you and there are organisations out there to help you, while you live there and are "passing".
• Coming Out at work - Though the EU and some other countries have created legislation combating sexual orientation discrimination in the area of employment, many countries, however, do not have such legislations. Even with such legislation, derogatory comments may still be said on your desk / water cooler so do consider your work environment and whether you wish to come out in your workplace. I have huge empathy on this. A confession - at work, discussing Dubstar (who I dearly loved and lived with at the time), I changed ... her gender reference, so she ... became a ... HE even though I was working in London, in the ... 2020s! :( Line me up, opposite a firing squad of ... pie throwers.
• Coming Out to the WORLD! Coming out on social media is indeed coming out to the WORLD but open to a possible deluge of comments some of which may be cutting unlike a web site. Hmmm ... I am no social media influencer and, shoot me I've become a social media ... cynic - even though I'm a slick SEO, I'm no longer into social media apart from marketing companies I work for. Your choice.

Foremost, only you get to define your sexuality and you should be the one who determines if AND when, where, to whom and how you disclose your sexual identity. A positive response to your coming out, from others can lead to higher self-esteem, greater self-acceptance and can help you feel less isolated. A negative response can be gutting.

National Coming Out Day is an annual celebration which takes place on 11 October every year. It was first celebrated on the one-year anniversary of the 1987 National March on Washington for American Lesbian and Gay Rights – a date chosen to honour the bravery of LGBTQ+ individuals who decided to come out and live openly. Although it started off as an American awareness day, the meaning of National Coming Out Day is still highly relevant to LGBTQ+ communities across the world. It's a day to celebrate the beauty of being true to yourself, for having the courage to share an important part of your life with others, for celebrating those who may come out to you and raises the visibility of LGBTQ+ communities. Hugely important - National Coming Out Day isn't a day to force LGBTQ+ people to come out, or to shame anyone who hasn't done so.

The bestest coming out song!

More coming out songs to dance on the tables.

Once others know you are attracted to the same sex, sadly, you can't always control what they disclose to others about your sexual preference. Some may disclose this by accident or sincerely think that they may be helping you. However, someone may "out" you maliciously. Its not your fault that others may not accept who you are. Be careful not to let your self-esteem depend on the approval of others so you may want to re-evaluate any wounding relationships and their importance in your life.

In very rare situations, someone may even threaten to "out" you as a form of control or coercion. Such people are utterly NASTY. If that happens, without delay, seek support from trusted others and or from an LGBT organisation (see below). Always remember, you have the right to be who you are and live in peace and not being threatened.

Coming out is a hugely personal process that's different for everyone who does it. For some people, it may feel easy, whilst for others it's uber scary. Even if you know you'll be accepted for who you are, there's still that fear of the unknown. If you have any gay friends ask them how they did it. How you come out is your choice but figuring out how you want to come out may help make things a little easier to manage.

Try telling someone you really trust and who you think will react positively first, to see how you feel which, may gain you confidence. This could be a friend, a close family member, teacher... Here are some ideas for how to come out - with a caveat that they are only suggestions:

• Test the water!
  • In conversation - casually drop in a gay topic into conversation e.g. cool LGBTQ+ celebrities (Kristen Stewart / George Michael), LGBTQ+ TV programme / movie (e.g. "It's a sin") or a LGBT issue in the news, to suss out their thoughts on this.
  • Show a few signs - hmmm ... like buying a rainbow band, gay book... and see how they react in conversation when they see this.
• If you're understandably, struggling to say it out loud:
  • Give them a sign - e.g. from TikTok vids - rainbow cake / flag / song to listen to (this rainbow song COMING OUT by Ally Hills has received over 12 million Youtube views and over 39K inspiring comments!). Hmmm ...
  • Write a letter / send an email - this can be a way to start a conversation with someone you trust. In an email / letter you can really express yourself. You can't see their reaction, however, and you will have excruciating miss-heartbeats while waiting for their response. Coraggio.
  • Whatsapp / Text - this may get you a quicker reaction, however, beware, we've all written something quickly which may unintentionally be construed badly. Please don't do it when you are a wee bit tipsey :) A gutting response I got from a v slick close friend ... "your personal life is none of my business" :(
  • Announce / hint to it on social media - hugely brave as this coming out is to ALL your network and even. perhaps... the internet WORLD.
• Say it:
  • Sit down and talk - groover, do have an idea of what you are going to say. And if you need understandably Dutch courage, learn from me, do only ONE shot - don't do it when you're a wee bit tipsey (my complete fail!).
  • Car ride conversations - psychologists have noted that some of the most meaningful conversations have been made ... in a car as it's less stressful, as: sitting beside some one gets rid of eye contact, there's a limited amount of time to tackle a meaningful topic and as you are moving together, this can lead to the psychological or emotional concept of moving toward something together.

These are just a few suggestions. It's all about finding whatever works best for YOU.

Also do consider that a friend may suss that you are gay and may wish to support you but they don't know how to approach the taboo subject. During a recent tipsey rendezvous, a hetty (straight) friend suggested that I added this page as she had a friend who is in the closet, living in a religious country (South Africa) and she wanted to reach out to her friend though didn't know how to. I told her to drop it in the conversation, to her friend, that she had had a mega fun night out with her slick queer friend (me :) to see if this would start a conversation. Though I was reluctant to add this page, as I do not wish to push anyone to come out. I hope I may have helped her friend and, others with this page.

Watch this sweet youtube video about coming out with over 10,000 comments.

Sometimes, coming out might not go the way you hope or expect. My beloved Mummy cried for and, I hid in my bedroom for THREE Days much to Daddy's bewilderment (I didn't tell him as he was an old-skool army man). It took a very long time for Mummy, as I think she was so sad I wouldn't give her grandchildren, but, in the end we had a great understanding. Do allow whoever you tell, time to assimilate your coming out. Even if someone doesn't know how to react or doesn't react well at first, they might still be able to support you later.

If your parents or a parent has taken your coming out badly:

• Talk to someone you trust - it is really important for you to get support from people who you trust and or from an LGBT organisation, school / uni counsellor who will have dealt with many coming out experiences and will have sweet empathy.
• Be patient - sometimes parents are in shock and need the space to deal with their own emotions. Why did they react badly? It could be for numerous reasons... because they are religious, they come from a traditional background ("What will the neighbours say!", they are worried for you for the gay life they think you will lead and a possible lonely life with homophobic abuse, disappointment that you wont bare them grandchildren... But sometimes, when they have had time to process this disclosure, some parents do feel guilt and regret, for a very long time, for reacting the way they did. I know my beloved Mummy did! Their possible cringe point responses:
  • 1 bottle of Moet - if they say "It's just a phase you are going through". A, true classic! Most of us have had that response.
  • 6 cases of Moet - if they say "Being gay is abnormal" i.e not the human norm. As demonstrated throughout this site, you are not the first, the only, nor the last person to be attracted to the same sex. Moreover, in 2011 in the Czech Republic, archaeologists unearthed the grave of what may be the remains of the oldest known 'transsexual' man. The prehistoric male skeleton dates to the Copper age (2900 to 2500 years ago) and was surrounded not by weapons but by domestic jugs and objects (like an oval, egg-shaped container) previously seen only in female graves.
  • Zillion cases of Moet - if they say "Being gay is unnatural". But how do they define "natural"? They might define "natural" - "as found in nature and not involving anything made or done by people" (Cambridge Dictionary.) Spoiler alert: same sex love does occur in nature: albatrosses, dolphins, elephants, female Japanese Macaques (snow monkeys), giraffes, lions, penguins... If they define "natural" as instinctual, stemming from brain function prior to conscious thought, i.e. human choice, then homosexuality can't be classed as unnatural because, as any LGB individual will tell you, attraction towards the same sex is entirely instinctual to them.
• Try and discuss it again - when the moment is right, try and discuss it again with them: (hard ask) try and ask them why they had a bad reaction to your coming out and, tell them how you feel. Communications is so important.
• Try not to take it personally - their reaction is not your fault and you should not feel ashamed. There is nothing wrong with you. You are being exactly who you were always meant to be.
• You are not alone - you are not the first, the only, nor the last person to be attracted to the same sex. Surround yourself with friends who love you and support you for who you are. Moreover, the LGBTQ+ community will offer you support as we have all gone through the dreaded coming out process.

If you've faced bad reactions to coming out, I'm so sorry. Sweeties, you will still get support from the many people who love you and do accept you, particularly those in the LGBTQ+ community. Looking on the brightside, a positive response to your coming out from others can lead to higher self-esteem, greater self-acceptance and can help you feel less isolated. Attitudes towards LGBTQ+ people are changing, so negative experiences with coming out are becoming hopefully, less likely to happen in time.

Generation Z - WOW!: you are so brave coming out in social media! Personally, no way would I have filmed Mummy's reaction for social media, to my coming out to her. Even though I thought she had hinted to it several times and had some cool gay friends in Berlin - my coming out was ... a total DISASTER, LOL! A heart warming coming out TIKTOK compilation but not for everyone to come out this way:

These are just a few coming out FAQ. There is a wealth of advice online for you. Stay safe. In bocca al lupo (In the mouth of the wolf - an Italian idiom originally used in opera and theatre to wish a performer good luck prior to a performance).

PS If you see a lonely gay soul sipping her / his drink nervously in a gay venue (and obviously, not out for a pull) please consider, being an angel and speaking to them. Some of us have been in that situation, where we have summoned the hugest guts to enter a gay venue for the first time and alone, and, were desperate for some kind person to bring us into a friendly conversation.