Coming Out As Lesbian FAQ & Advice

To come out as Lesbian / LGBTQ is a HUGELY personal process of making your identity, as a member of a sexual minority, visible in the world, to one degree or another. The coming out process is different for EVERY person, occurring at different ages, life stages, and in different ways and settings. Check out some supportive Coming Out FAQ / Advice & Support links. Always, remember - it's your decision when and how to come out.
 
Coming Out FAQ + Wee Bit Of Advice


Coming out as Lesbian ... tell them that, some lesbians in history:

Sovereign Ruled countries - Queen Christina of Sweden (1626 - 1689)

Government Ruled countries - Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir (1942 - ) (Iceland)

CEO'd companies - Beth Ford (1964 - ), (Land O' Lakes, USA)

Saved lives - Florence Nightingale (1820 - 1910)

Fought The Nazis - Major Wanda Gertz (1896 – 1958)

Conquered gigantic mountains- Freda du Faur (1882 - 1935)

Went to space (twice!) - astronaut Sally Ride (1951 - )

Coming Out As Lesbian FAQ

"Coming out [of the closet]" is a metaphor used to describe when someone tells another person about their sexual orientation or gender identity. Check out some supportive Coming Out FAQ / Advice & Support links.

Your sexual orientation entirely depends on YOU! A person's sexual orientation can be anywhere on a continuum, from being exclusively attracted to the opposite sex, being bisexual to being exclusively attracted to the same sex. An (outdated but still widely used) example of the spectrum is illustrated by Alfred Kinsey's (1948) Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale

Coming Out FAQ & Wee Bit Of Advice

Moreover, with time your sexual orientation can bend and flip. Many people experience their sexuality and gender as fluid, and you may feel that yours changes at different points in your life. It's perfectly normal to fully identify with one label, and not feel that way anymore at a later time and even go back to that label. Only YOU get to define your sexual orientation. And, only YOU get to define your label.

Coming Out FAQ & Wee Bit Of Advice

Becoming aware that you fancy someone of the same sex may cause you emotional conflict such as worrying about not being hetty (heterosexual), confusion, anxiety, and denial of feelings particularly if you are living in a religious / traditional environment or where same sex relationships are illegal. This internal conflict can lead to "passing" (attempts to behave as heterosexual) or being "in the closet" (keeping your identity to yourself).

Seek out information (safely) online or through reading, watching gay (non-porno!) movies or talk to your very close friends. It may be a phase or it may not - it entirely depends on YOU!


It is entirely up to you if you wish to come out. No one should force or pressure you to come out until you are ready. Nor should any one force you about how OUT you are.

If you are thinking of coming out to someone, understandably like soooo many others, you might be worried about:

There are many stages of coming out, for example:

  • Coming Out to oneself - Coming out as being gay / bi is part of a journey of identity formation, self understanding, and self-acceptance. The coming out process begins with coming out to oneself about who you are as a sexual being. This may be a frightening process, especially if your sexual orientation is socially condemned, OR it may be an epiphany, liberation, or an affirmation of what has been apparent for a long time, or all of the above.
  • Coming Out to close friends / siblings - hopefully they will show their support and affirmation they still love you as you are.
  • Coming Out to parent(s) - Some will be lucky to have stellar parents as the tiktok compilation below heart warmingly shows. Some, however, may have less understanding parents. If you still live with your parents and depend on their financial support and are worried they may take it away, throw you out or be verbally abusive or violent toward you if you come out to them, seriously reconsider telling them. Nothing is more important than your personal safety and well being. Your friends will support you and there are organisations out there to help you, while you live there and "passing".
  • Coming Out at work - Though the EU and some other countries have created legislation combating sexual orientation discrimination in the area of employment, many countries, however, do not have such legislations. Even with such legislation, derogatory comments may still be said so do consider your work environement and whether you wish to come out in your workplace.
  • Coming Out to the WORLD!

Foremost, only you get to define your sexuality and you should be the one who determines when, where, and to whom you disclose your sexual identity. A positive response to your coming out, from others can lead to higher self-esteem, greater self-acceptance and can help you feel less isolated.

National Coming Out Day is an annual celebration which takes place on 11 October every year. It was first celebrated on the one-year anniversary of the 1987 National March on Washington for American Lesbian and Gay Rights – a date chosen to honour the bravery of LGBTQ+ individuals who decide to come out and live openly. Although it started off as an American awareness day, the meaning of National Coming Out Day is still highly relevant to LGBTQ+ communities across the world. It's a day to celebrate the beauty of being true to yourself, for having the courage to share an important part of your life with others, for celebrating those who may come out to you and raises the visibility of LGBTQ+ communities. Hugely important - National Coming Out Day isn't a day to force LGBTQ+ people to come out, or to shame anyone who hasn't done so.

The bestest coming out song!

More coming out songs to dance on the tables.


Once others know you are attracted to the same sex, sadly, you can't always control what they disclose to others about your sexual preference. Some may disclose this by accident or sincerely think that they may be helping you. However, someone may "out" you maliciously. Its not your fault that others may not accept who you are. Be careful not to let your self-esteem depend on the approval of others so you may want to re-evaluate any wounding relationships and their importance in your life.

In very rare situations, someone may even threaten to "out" you as a form of control or coercion. Such people are nasty. If that happens, without delay seek support from trusted others and or from an LGBT organisation. Always remember, you have the right to be who you are and live in peace.


Coming out is a very personal process that's different for everyone who experiences it. For some people, it may feel easy, whilst for others it is indeed a challenge. Even if you know you'll be accepted for who you are, there's often still that fear of the unknown. If you have any gay friends ask them how they did it. How you come out is your choice but figuring out how you want to come out may help make things a little easier to manage.

Try telling someone you really trust and who you think will react postively first, to see how you feel and which will gain you confidence. This could be a friend, family member, teacher... Here are some ideas for how to come out:

  • Test the water!
    • In conversation - casually drop in a gay topic into conversation - e.g. a cool LGBTQ+ celebrities or a LGBT issue in the news, to hear there thoughts on this.
    • Show a few signs - hmmm, like buying a rainbow band, gay book... and see how they react when they see this.
  • If you're struggling to say it out loud
    • Give them a sign - rainbow cake / flag / song to listen to (this rainbow song COMING OUT by Ally Hills has recieved over 12 million Youtube views and over 39K inspiring comments!).
    • Write a letter / send an email - this can be a good way to start a conversation with someone you trust. In an email / letter you can really express yourself but, you can't see their reaction and you will have miss-a-heartbeat wait for their response.
    • Whatsapp / Text - this may get you a quicker reaction, however, beware, we've all written something quickly which may unintentionally be construed badly e.g. a response I got from a slick close friend... "your personal life is none of my business" :(
    • Announce / hint to it on social media - hugely brave as this coming out is to ALL your network.
  • Say it
    • Sit down and talk - do have an idea of what you are going to say. And if you need, understandably, Dutch courage, learn from me, do only a shot - don't do it when your tipsey (my complete fail!).
    • Car ride conversations - psychologists have noted that some of the most meaningful conversations have been made in a car as it's less stressful sitting beside some one which gets rid of eye contact, there's a limited amount of time to tackle a meaningful topic and as you are moving together, this can lead to the psychological or emotional concept of moving toward something together.

These are just a few suggestions. It's all about finding whatever works best for YOU.

Also do consider that a friend may suss that you are gay and may wish to support you but they don't know how to approach the taboo subject. During a recent tipsey rendezvous, a hetty (straight) friend suggested that I added this page as she had a friend who is in the closet, living in a religious country (South Africa) and she wanted to reach out to her friend though didn't know how to. I told her to drop in the conversation, to her friend, that she had had a mega fun night out with her slick queer friend (me :) to see if this would start a conversation. Though I was reluctant to add this page, as I do not wish to push anyone to come out, I hope I may have helped someone.

Watch this sweet youtube video about coming out with over 10,000 comments.


Sometimes, coming out might not go the way you hope or expect. My beloved Mummy cried for and, I hid in my bedroom for THREE Days much to Daddy's bewilderment (I didn't tell him as he was an old-skool army man). It took a very long time for Mummy, as I think she was so sad I wouldn't give her grandchildren, but, in the end we had a great understanding. Do allow whoever you tell, time to assimilate this information. Even if someone doesn't know how to react or doesn't react well at first, they might still be able to support you later.

If your parents or a parent has taken your coming out badly:

  • Talk to someone you trust - it is really important for you to get support from people who you trust and or from an LGBT organisation, school / uni counsellor who will have dealt with many coming out experiences and will have sweet empathy.
  • Be patient - sometimes parents are in shock and need the space to deal with their own emotions. Why did they react badly? It could be for numerous reasons... because they are religious, they come from a traditional background ("What will the neighbours say!", they are worried for you for the gay life they think you will lead and a possible lonely life with homophobic abuse, disappointment that you wont bare them grandchildren... But sometimes, when they have had time to process this disclosure, some parents do feel guilt and regret, for a very long time, for reacting the way they did. I know my beloved Mummy did!
    • 10 points - if they say "It's just a phase you are going through". A classic!
    • 50 points - if they say "Being gay is abnormal". As demonstarted throughout this site, you are not the first, the only, nor the last person to be attracted to the same sex. Moreover, in 2011 in the Czech Republic, archaeologists unearthed the grave of what may be the remains of the oldest known 'transsexual' man. The prehistoric male skeleton dates to the Copper age (2900 to 2500 years ago) and was surrounded not by weapons but by domestic jugs and objects (like an oval, egg-shaped container) previously seen only in female graves.
    • 50 points - if they say "Being gay is unnatural". But how do they define "natural"? They might define "natural" - as found in nature and not involving anything made or done by people (Cambridge Dictionary.) Spoiler alert: same sex love does occur in nature: albatrosses, dolphins, elephants, female Japanese Macaques (snow monkeys), giraffes, lions, penguins... If they define "natural" as instinctual, stemming from brain function prior to conscious thought, i.e. human choice, then homosexuality can't be classed as unnatural because, as any LGB individual will tell you, attraction towards the same sex is entirely instinctual to them.
  • Try and discuss it again - when the moment is right try and discuss it again with them and ask them why they had a bad reaction to your coming out and tell them how you feel.
  • Try not to take it personally - their reaction is not your fault and you should not feel ashamed. There is nothing wrong with you. You are being exactly who you were always meant to be.
  • You are not alone - you are not the first, the only, nor the last person to be attracted to the same sex. Surround yourself with friends who love you and support you for who you are. Moreover, the LGBTQ+ community will offer you support as we have all gone through the dreaded coming out process.

If you've faced bad reactions to coming out, you will still get support from the many people who do accept and love you, particularly those in the LGBTQ+ community. Looking on the brightside, a positive response to your coming out from others can lead to higher self-esteem, greater self-acceptance and can help you feel less isolated. Attitudes towards LGBTQ+ people are changing, so negative experiences with coming out are becoming less likely to happen in time.

Wow, Generation Z - you are so brave coming out in social media! Personally, no way would I have filmed Mummy's reaction to my coming out to her, even though I thought she had hinted it to several times - it was a disaster! A heart warming coming out TIKTOK compilation

These are just a few coming out FAQ. There is a wealth of advice online for you. Stay safe. In bocca al lupo (In the mouth of the wolf - an Italian idiom originally used in opera and theatre to wish a performer good luck prior to a performance).


BTW: How to Browse the Web Anonymously

It is shocking that 70 countries still have national laws criminalising same-sex relations between consenting adults and censoring gay online content. Are you living in a country that awfully monitors your internet activity e.g. "Lesbian [searches]" "gay [searches]"? ...

BTW - Gay Googling In Censored Countries

When I was growing up, I had so little exposure to sapphic / lesbian media and, no gay friends to hang out with and they "mother" me. It was still a taboo subject. Bravo, that there is now more LGBT exposure "OUT" there, particularly online. Yet it is still shocking that 70 countries still have national laws criminalising same-sex relations between consenting adults and censoring gay online content. Are you living in a country that awfully monitors your internet activity e.g. "Lesbian [searches]" "gay [searches]"?

Private Web Searching: heads-up on incognito browser mode vs VPNs (Virtual Private Networks)

Incognito Searches = don't trust! Please consider using a VPN which stands for Virtual Private Network.


Incognito (Private) Searches - All modern browsers (like Chrome, Safari, Firefox...) offer an incognito mode for private browsing. Incognito mode is a private window in your web browser where you can browse the web without a record of your history being saved on your DEVICE. After your private browsing session in incognito mode ends, no cookies or other traces of your session are saved in your browser. That means that anyone else using your device (like family and friends) won't be able to see which websites you visited or what you searched for in Google. But while your online activity isn't saved on your device, the websites you visit, your ISP ( Internet Service Provider), search engines, other companies and governments can still track your behavior when you browse in incognito mode.

A VPN (strives to) encrypt (conceal) YOUR internet traffic/ web searches and (strives to) disguise your online identity - this makes it more difficult for third parties / government censorship to track your activities online (in democrat countries your traffic /searches could be seen as legal but for certain governments it as illegal).

NO WAY I am supporting the use of VPNs for terrorists / illegal activity / false news. I DO NOT see searching "lesbian" / "gay" content as illegal and it is incorrect to steal data from that search. Alas, I can't recommend a tight VPN. In the past, I have worked for a mega lovely independent VPN company Hide My Ass in fab Soho, London, (I loved that they were truly trying to protect GOOD freedom of speech & internet search, and, my mega lovely work colleagues were truly passionate on this). Hide My Ass VPN are now part of AVG, and as I no longer work for them and I can't vouch for them. If you are living in an internet censored county consider using a trusted VPN.


Coming Out FAQ & Wee Bit Of Advice


Coming out as Lesbian ... tell them that lesbians:

Won Nobel Prizes - Selma Lagerlöf (1858 - 1940)

Wrote great poetry & novels - Gertrude Stein ((1874 - 1946), Alice Walker (1944 - ) ...

Made great art - painter Rosa Bonheur (1822 - 1899) & sculptor Emma Stebbins (1815 - 1882) ...

Made great records - Opera Singer, Sigrid Onégin (1889 – 1943) & The queen of the Blues, Bessie Smith (1894 - 1937) ...

Broke sports records - Martina Navratilova (1956 - ) ...

And, sooo hard, fought for Women's Rights - right to vote & equal pay e.g UK

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